Hello everyone, thanks for coming back, I would like to set the tune of this post, play the music video below whilst readind the rest of the post.
Linkin Park - Crawling
This is the soundtrack that I listhen to at the start of my workouts when I'm warming up. It eases me from a relaxed state into a pumped up state ready to pound away on the barbell.
Anyway, so it's been ages since my last posts, I've sort of forgetten about it. I procastinate easily and when I'm not writing out clearly my goals for day in the morning, and ticking them off as I complete them .I find it difficult to get motivated to do all the stuff I need to do. I know.. I suck. I admire how some people I know are so easily motivated and get to work and never waste time. Like worker bees.
I want to keep this blog anonymous, the reason being I've blogged on forums before I posted pictures of myself up there, and the girls I was partying with. I found that people would give me too much kudos and I'd get addicted to the positive feedback and I'd bend the truth a little so I can keep the kudos coming and that I'm constantly improving my life. In the end I created this massive ego that I couldn't keep up with.
The reason why I want to blog is to help improve my life and track my progress, so I can read back and see how far I've come which will motivate me to keep pushing.
I've realsied I've been alone for too long, I've been depressed for most of my life but never been diagnosed - I've made one attempt to get help from the docs and the GP basically told me everyone my age is insecure about themselves and gave me a pamphlet of social workers around the area. I was and still am a massive avoidant, although I'm nowhere near as bad as I used to be when I was a kid (I'd go the whole day sitting on my computer without talking to anyone).
I'd have really short conversations with people, exhange formalities, and a bit of banter and walk away. This has been my routine for most of my life until the age of 21. Until I opened my eyes and dawned on me that this was not normal.
The thing is though, I don't look like I'm unhappy at all. My family think I'm driven, smart and get what I want in the world. My friends assume I'm a hit with the ladies and women are clammering all over me to get a piece of me. Women seem to think so as well, the way they look at me, how they create rapport with me and flirt with me.
I'm a tall, good looking guy, I've gotton used to hearing that from women now and when I get that I have no reaction to it what so ever. It's almost like hearing an inconspicuous statement like "wow you have black hair".
You see you probably won't understand this, for me CONNECTING with another human being is akin to the thought of jumping into open waters for someone who can't swim. It's terrfing, you want to run away further into shore. You want to run away from the sight of the water just in case you accidently fall in.
This is what it feels like for me when another human being gets close with me. I have to run away and not look back. This has been the routine for me ever since I was a kid. In fact I preffered sitting at home playing on my computer then to go out and play with the other kids. Not because I was scared of the other kids, but because I could relate to my computer more. I could rely on it, I could depend on it. It would give me enjoyment and pleasure. I could communicate with other people on my terms, when I wanted to talk to other people and what I wanted to talk about.
Which brings us to now, I'm 23 years old. I've never had sex with a woman. I've kissed plenty of women, anmd got them laughing and wanting to be with me, but right on the moment when the fun and games stop and you reach the moment where you have to just shut the fuck up and listhen and talk about each others lives and deeply connect with her I'd run a mile because it frightened me.
This is what this blog is about, get over this fear, but constantly putting myself in that position where I connect with people, paticularly women.
Thank you for reading
